Saturday, September 21, 2013

Paddling On

I've decided to do a different type of blog entry this time. A personal one. One that's ripped straight from my skull, still dripping with the residue of my raw emotions. Normally, the posts you see are a sculpture-- meticulously chiseled down. This however is a crude hump of clay. Untouched grey matter. Unadulterated. Unmoderated.

I'm not even typing this from my computer or tablet. It's from my phone. I  sit alone in a car, basking in the cheeky flouresent street lighting. The only sounds I hear are crickets, passing cars and a lone isomniac gull's squawks. I'll be honest with you, there's no point I'm trying to make here. No sagicity I'm trying to pass on. I have no plan today. Any philosophy I happen to empart is a product of chance. Pure musery.

My life is currently in vitro, suddenly ripped out of Its comfortable state of flux. A great many things are flying at me at once. My book is nearing it's completion, its fourth and final rewrite ending. My home, my house... It will be nothing but a memory in a little over a week. I have a destination in mind, but there's so much uncertainty fogging my view of the future.
My girlfriend is also going through a transition. While I'm beyond proud of her, I find myself ashamed of my own impatience and distance. Due to all my worries and stress, it's put me at an arm's reach. I've been so emotionally compromised, I've lacked the capabilities to behave as a proper boyfriend should. Between writing and working, I feel like I'm just not giving her enough time and love-- which gives way to a whole new array of worries. As unfair as it is, I hope she understands. I'm doing my best, but I'm aware of how lackluster that consolation prize is. I need her now more than ever, and yet I find myself needing to be alone.

If anything good has come out of this trying period of my life, it's perspective. Now more than ever I've come to realize how important my dream to be a full-time novelist is. It's my only anchor in this mad ocean of uncertainty called life. Though I'm still mired in stormy waters. My ambition will take me back to shore. I just need to wipe the salt water out of my eyes and keep rowing.